Friday, November 14, 2008

From Kensington Palace

Sometimes there are some real pieces of work that walk in through the ER doors. Two nights ago my preceptor asked me if I wanted to try to triage a few minors just to get some experience. I was more than happy to get out of observation so I followed along. All was going well until a 40-something year old guy walks in. Actually, barges in is more like it. He immediately declares that he needs an x-ray of his belly. When I asked him why he thought he needed an abdo x-ray he looks me dead in the eye and states, “I’m pregnant – can’t you see that?” Ummm… no! I tell him that he can’t be pregnant (because he’s lacking the requisite parts) but he will be seen (and not shortly either). This sets him off even more and he starts screaming, “I’m pregnant! I’m pregnant! I need to see what my baby looks like!” Of course at the moment I heard the entire waiting room turn around to witness the freak show unfolding. He carries on screaming about his unborn child while my preceptor calls for security. The sight of security calmed him down enough for me to ask him name. He said it was Diana Spencer, better known as Princess Di. This just sets me off and I start to giggle (very professional, I know) while my preceptor takes care of the paper work.

Eventually he gets brought in and placed in the psych room. I also go back to observation but when I walk by the psych room he stops me and asks me for a pen. I saw him writing furiously so I figured why not and gave him my cruddy pen. About 20 minutes later, I walk by the room and I see his face covered in pen marks and he managed to wrap his head with medical tape! I asked the security guard about where he got the tape from and he told me that Princess Di was crawling around on the floor writing in “pregnancy pain” when he found a roll of tape under a chair and proceeded to tape his head! I wish I could have violated patient confidentiality and taken a picture because I’ve never seen anything quite so bizarre! The wrapping looked like a mummy’s bandages! Several minutes later Princess Di has to go to the bathroom. The security guard obliges and waits outside the door. When it was taking too long, the guard went into the bathroom and found him seran wrapping his chest and abdomen. I snuck away once again from observation just to be a part of the show! The on-call doc walks by, stops dead in his tracks and says, “Diana, I just saw you yesterday! What the hell is your problem now? You better not say you’re pregnant again!” Princess Di looks sheepishly at him and tell him that he wrapped himself for the x-ray so the baby will be protected. Oh good lord this man was insane (probably literally)! The doc just grabs the chart out of the nursing station, discharges him and tells him to get out! Princess Di threatens to report the shabby care he received to M15 and the Queen of England because she is his “mother”. Riiiight.

About an hour later, he walks into the waiting room and towards the triage desk again but this time the triage nurse tells him that the ER is closed – there’s too many people! He gets confused and bewildered and stumbles out of there. He didn’t come back for the rest of my shift but I’ve been told to keep an eye out for him because he’s almost frequent flyer number 1!


Glee said...

The queen of England ate my baby! M, that is funny shit.

Tee said...

Dang, you should have stuck with him. He might have split the tabloid money with you!