Monday, February 16, 2009

He's Just Not That Into You

After my 4th night shift in a row, I wasn't able to sleep normal hours so I figured that I might as well join my sister to see 'He's Just Not that Into You'. I wish I hadn't. Not only was that movie a waste of my $10 but I could actually feel some neurons dying as I stared dumbfounded at the romantic hijinks of the thoroughly idiotic cast of characters. Those are two hours of my life that I will never get back.

That movie was a mash up of every trite, redundant and annoying clich̩ about both single and married women. By far the most anger inducing character was Ginnifer Goodwin's. Rejected more than once by blind dates because of her neuroticism bordering on obsessive stalking, she proceeds to make an ass out of herself in every scene with a volley of high pitched inane comments about her desperate search to find Mr. Right. Then there's Jennifer Aniston's and Ben Affleck's characters whose only conflict is not being legally married despite a good solid relationship that has lasted almost a decade. Last but not least is the married couple played by Jennifer Connolley and Bradley Cooper who inevitably divorce because he cheats on his wife. Rather than explore why he cheats and/or how the marriage started to fall apart, the movie offers the one dimensional explanation that he cheats because he's bored and trapped in his marriage. The rest of the characters are so useless that they're not worth discussing. The movie portrayed women as unintelligent neurotic wing nuts while the men were showcased as amoral ass bags. Final verdict РI'm just not that into this movie.

Older Nurses Eating Their Young

I get really irritated when I'm in the middle of an insanely busy shift and an older nurse marches right up to me and proceeds to loudly criticize my nursing practice. Case in point – the doc orders routine bloodwork but she draws the INR and G&S. I have the requisitions filled out and ready to be sent for the ordered tests. She double checks the name on the vials with the name on the order sheets and the reqs and hands over the blood to me. I send it to the lab. 10 minutes later, I hear my name being paged just as I have finished preparing some antibiotics in the med room and rush to answer the call. The older nurse has picked up the phone and starts giving me cut eye. I ignore her and proceed to administer antibiotic when she hangs up the phone and loudly proclaims, "You know you young nurses have a lot of gall practicing in emergency. That was the lab saying that they don't have requisitions for the INR and G&S vials. Bloody young'ns so bloody unorganized I'm surprised you haven't killed anyone yet. And here's another thing – clean up yer bloody work station". Ummm... W.T.F.??? I wasn't about the let this one go (because this isn't the first time she has tried to belittle me in front of other staff) so I calmly tell her that the requisitions that needed to be sent were sent and the tests that the doc wanted are pending. The doc never asked for an INR and G&S so I don't see what difference it makes whether the lab has the requisitions or not. She proceeded to give me more stink eye before ranting on about how incompetent I am. I really hope I don't turn into a mean condescending bitch in the later years of my career. Or at least I hope I'm able to hold it in!

Procrastination – why do something today when it can be done later?

Because I’m still a novice nurse, my boss wants me to take some more certification courses (which she is paying for). However, I can’t make myself study anymore because so far the material is a review of everything I’ve learned in both my nursing and biology degree, not to mention high school. For example – pH is the measure of the acidity or alkalinity of a solution. Riiiiigggghhhhttt. Tell me more about this pH while you take several hundred dollars and waste several precious hours of my time. These lessons are so basic that my sister who vehemently eschews science classes understands this stuff. Not surprisingly, I have spent most of the day repeatedly stepping out for a walk and coming back with coffee and groceries. That’s not to say that I’m some sort of genius (I know enough to know that I hardly know anything) but this is really too much. For now, its back to therapeutic relationships. Must be nice, must be nice... :(

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day

Recently I switched shifts around with a friend of mine and ended up working several nights in a row. Suffice it to say that I will NEVER do that to myself again. Never. In any case, at around 0230, the charge nurse brings me a stark raving mad lunatic who is screaming every racist epithet while telling us to engage in acts that are neither legal nor physically possible. He takes one look at me (I'm not exactly blonde haired and blue eyed) and the deluge of racist remarks intensifies. He is handcuffed, shackled and surrounded by 4 cops and 5 security guards. Maybe I'm becoming desensitized but instead of staring at him horrified with my mouth agape, I immediately draw up haldol and lorazepam so when I get the orders, I can immediately start to medically shut this mofo up! Lo and behold, I get the orders. As I'm preparing to inject him, he tells me to "get the fuck out of my way bitch – I wanna get a good look at that fine piece of ass". Now I'm genuinely confused because he sure as hell isn't talking to me (its the small things one should be thankful for). And then I realize – he's trying to stare down one of the incredibly attractive guards! I have never been one to stand in the way of a possible love connection so I move to the side granting him a full view of the "fine peice of ass" while I inject him. The security guard was mortified, I was concurrently amused and discouraged and we all waited for the drugs to kick in. Happy Valentines day indeed!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Fooding Time!

In my quest to reduce eating out, I've been browsing recipe sites to find quick and easy to prepare meals. I was pleasantly surprised when I found this lovely recipe for guacamole (one of my favourite condiments lately). It took 10 minutes to prepare and even less time to consume :) So without further ado here's the wonderful guacamole recipe!

2 small avacados peeled & mashed
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 large tomato, peeled and finely chopped
1 medium onion minced
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp seasoning salt
1/2 tsp seasoned pepper
1/2 tsp chilli powder
1 dash hot sauce

1. Combine all ingredients
2. Mix well
3. Cover and chill thoroughly
4. Serve and enjoy!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Five Stages of Night-Shifting

Night 1 – Denial
I’ll be fine with a couple of nights in a row. After all, I’ve handled crazier shifts and I’m a professional after all. Plus, the pre-shift fajita will keep me going well into the night! It’ll be alright! :)

Night 2 – Anger
Why the f**k did I ever sign up for this s**t?!? The next ambulatory jackass who rings the call bell for a glass of water will have my steal toed feet kick their ass!

Dr. Bigshot, you’re pissed off because the violent drunk didn’t give a urine sample? Up yours!

Dr. Condescending, I know what haemoglobin electrophoresis is!!! I only did my first degree in biology!

Dr. Turtle, hurry your ass up! You don’t need to know the life story of everyone who walks in. Just write an order for dilaudid and d/c them!

Night 3 – Bargaining
Oh good Lord please please please let the rest of these shifts go by quickly and uneventfully and I promise, I PROMISE, I’ll stop wishing a pox on the houses of completely healthy attention seekers. I’ll also stop persuading people to sign out AMA.

Night 4 – Depression
Nothing matters anymore. Urine sample not collected? Who cares? Lab telling me draw another group & screen for a non-surgical patient? Whatever. Death seems like a preferable alternative to this perpetual nightmare.

Night 5 – Acceptance
I will never work normal hours. This is my fate. Even with a few days off, I’ll be back. At least I can grab a fajita on the way home... or maybe some Thai food... or chocolate cake... or carrot cake...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Notice to Ill Behaved Ambulatory Patients

Attention All Patients:

When your nurse asks you to provide a urine specimen, it does not mean that you should place a dripping wet container on the nursing station. Not only is this practice incredibly unhygienic but highly disgusting to all those working in the premises. It also affects your length of stay because nurses have to clean up the resultant mess. Thank you for your cooperation.

I wrote this note and stuck it to all of the nursing stations because I'm sick of people bringing me dripping, steaming bottles of bladder juice and expecting me to clean up their waste. That's disgusting. If I have to be a bitch to get my point across then so be it but I cannot tolerate people behaving like uncouth beasts just because they're 'sick'. If you lack common courtesy for those who are taking care of you (and you're in sound mind), then you don't deserve my congeniality.

I don't know how my unit manager will react to my note, but so far the rest of the staff is thrilled.