Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Must Have Been a Full Moon

The last set of night shifts left me shaking my head at the patients that ended up in the ER.

Exhibit 1: A skinny, wiry 20-something year old man drunk and high was found wandering in subarctic temperatures in a flimsy concert T, hoodie and jeans complete with socks and sandals is brought in by EMS for bizarre behaviour. According to the more stylistically inclined nurses and docs, the sock and sandal sartorial faux pas should have been enough to drag him in for emergency mental health counselling. He was pleasant enough for being drunk and high so after he received the perfunctory saline bolus, he was left alone with a call bell and heated blankets. Approximately 3 hours later, he appears at the main nursing station (at which LOLs are inquiring about their family members) completely in the nude, with an erection that’s covered by a roll of toilet paper. He gleefully asks everyone (loudly) if anyone needs toilet paper. He was promptly escorted away by security while his nurse practically taped gowns on him. Unprofessionally loud laughter ensued.

Exhibit 2: A 40-something man found by EMS sleeping on a park bench with blood oozing out from his arm. He too was drunk but unlike exhibit 1, he was NOT pleasant in the least. He was screaming, swearing and flinging used urinals at security and anyone unfortunate enough to cross his line of vision. After managing to punch a nurse in her thigh, he was put in four-point restraints and got an IV. I pushed in haldol and lorazepam so fast that had he been sober, it would have made his head spin. Nine hours later he sounded like a refined gentleman politely asking me for a glass of water and some ibuprofen whenever I get the chance!

Exhibit 3: Princess Diana shows up again, this time insisting that ‘she’ didn’t assault another man in the shelter she’s staying at. She was brought in by the local police and demanded that those ‘brutes’ at her side be replaced by her royal guards. I was amazed that her delusions for the most part were internally consistent. When she started to attack us after she got a line put in, she too received some haldol. Before finishing my shift, I brought her juice and sandwich and curtsied to her highness. She seemed extraordinarily thrilled with me, which of course made me smile. It’s good to join in on the delusion if it keeps the patient happy until shift change. Besides, I love her killer sense of style!

Exhibit 4: LOM acting ‘totally fucking crazy’ according to mother and grandson. Turns out grandpa had a sweet tooth and managed to get his hands on his grandkids’ hash-brownies. I wanted a sample. Never got one.

After all that excitement, I’m looking forward to having a nice, quiet and uneventful night in my own bed!


Jessica said...

"Need toilet paper?" Oh gawd that's just awful! How did you even manage to suppress laughter?

Tee said...

Is hot gluing the gown to the crazy person an option? No? That's a shame!