Mean Girls

Yesterday morning at around 0630 (why an hour before shift end? Why?) I got assigned to a mean girl (with her mean girl posse in tow) complaining of carbon monoxide poisoning. So I dragged my mildly nauseous, severely bleary eyed self to the exam room and started my assessment. Each question I asked was met with the trademark mean girl death stare from her and her posse before she managed to spit out an answer. I started by asking her what made her think she had carbon monoxide poisoning to which she replied, “my friggin carbon monoxide detector like totally went off so like whatever”. Right. I just couldn’t resist so I asked her, “did it ever occur to you on your long drive over that maybe the detector isn’t working well?” I was met with the death stare and another “whatEVAH”. So I carried on my assessment and asked her if she was feeling lightheaded, dizzy, nauseous, short of breath, feeling better outside the building rather than within, other people in the building complaining of the same symptoms or any flu like symptoms. Did I mention that her vital signs were unremarkable and her O2 sat was 100% on RA? She denied any symptoms and then asked “what the fuck does the fucking flu have to do with carbon monoxide poisoning? Gawd, are you like a fake nurse or like a tech or something?” Normally I put on my professional face and try to be as diplomatic as possible but I just shot back with my own death stare and told her that the doctor will probably need an arterial blood sample. When she asked where she’d get the needle, I couldn’t resist and told her that normally it’s obtained from the wrist but if he can’t get the artery, he might need a sample from the groin. Her shocked look of horror made my night but unfortunately it wasn’t enough to stop her bitchy remarks. While the resident was getting the sample, I had a bag filled with ice and a requisition prepared so she didn’t have to stay a minute longer than necessary. The mean ditz then told the resident to “check over her shit cuz she asked me like the dumbest fucking questions”. Luckily for me the residents and staff docs I work with are extremely nice and understand that I’m new so he too shot her his own frighteningly effective death stare before saying, “my coworkers are among the best in the country so I don’t need to double check their work” before walking out. Turns out her carboxyhemoglobin level tested at 0.0000 which pissed her off even more but there was nothing more that we could (or wanted) to do. She dramatically told us that it would be our fault if she died before calling us retards and storming out. Another chart in the discharged pile.