Must Have Been a Full Moon

The last set of night shifts left me shaking my head at the patients that ended up in the ER.

Exhibit 1: A skinny, wiry 20-something year old man drunk and high was found wandering in subarctic temperatures in a flimsy concert T, hoodie and jeans complete with socks and sandals is brought in by EMS for bizarre behaviour. According to the more stylistically inclined nurses and docs, the sock and sandal sartorial faux pas should have been enough to drag him in for emergency mental health counselling. He was pleasant enough for being drunk and high so after he received the perfunctory saline bolus, he was left alone with a call bell and heated blankets. Approximately 3 hours later, he appears at the main nursing station (at which LOLs are inquiring about their family members) completely in the nude, with an erection that’s covered by a roll of toilet paper. He gleefully asks everyone (loudly) if anyone needs toilet paper. He was promptly escorted away by security while his nurse practically taped gowns on him. Unprofessionally loud laughter ensued.

Exhibit 2: A 40-something man found by EMS sleeping on a park bench with blood oozing out from his arm. He too was drunk but unlike exhibit 1, he was NOT pleasant in the least. He was screaming, swearing and flinging used urinals at security and anyone unfortunate enough to cross his line of vision. After managing to punch a nurse in her thigh, he was put in four-point restraints and got an IV. I pushed in haldol and lorazepam so fast that had he been sober, it would have made his head spin. Nine hours later he sounded like a refined gentleman politely asking me for a glass of water and some ibuprofen whenever I get the chance!

Exhibit 3: Princess Diana shows up again, this time insisting that ‘she’ didn’t assault another man in the shelter she’s staying at. She was brought in by the local police and demanded that those ‘brutes’ at her side be replaced by her royal guards. I was amazed that her delusions for the most part were internally consistent. When she started to attack us after she got a line put in, she too received some haldol. Before finishing my shift, I brought her juice and sandwich and curtsied to her highness. She seemed extraordinarily thrilled with me, which of course made me smile. It’s good to join in on the delusion if it keeps the patient happy until shift change. Besides, I love her killer sense of style!

Exhibit 4: LOM acting ‘totally fucking crazy’ according to mother and grandson. Turns out grandpa had a sweet tooth and managed to get his hands on his grandkids’ hash-brownies. I wanted a sample. Never got one.

After all that excitement, I’m looking forward to having a nice, quiet and uneventful night in my own bed!

Drunken Sesame Street

Maha to Drunky: Take this – its thiamine
Drunky: (slurred) What’s thamamine?
Maha: Its vitamin B
Drunky: Vitamin B for booooooooze!
Maha: You just destroyed my will to live.

Marriage Proposal

On a rare night, I looked surprisingly less haggard than usual (perhaps the new haircut helped) when I received a new Drunky-McD. He was naked waist down – EMS removed his pants because they were covered in snow and replaced them with a sheet. Poor bastard was under the impression that I took of his pants so he kept leering at me. He wasn’t giving me a particularly hard time except repeatedly asking for vodka in his orange juice and trying to guess at my ethnicity. His guesses ranged from Chinese to Spanish to Middle Eastern to East African (keep in mind, he’s DRUNK). When he finally gives up, he clumsily grabs my double gloved hand (because he’s got some dried vomit artfully decorating his shirt) and asks me, “baby marry me” before vomiting up some more bile. My coworkers’ barely suppressed laughter and snorting provided the soundtrack to this touching scene. After I told him that I don’t consider men with EtOH levels of greater than 20 suitable husband material, I could do nothing but laugh at how I had to reject my drunken suitor! Only in nursing.

Pearls of wisdom from violent drunk/psychotic dood

“Hail Satan motherfuckers!”
“Your mom sucks cock”
“Your mom sucked my cock you faggot” (to security guard)
“I’ll light your dick/vagina on fire bitch” (that one is actually pretty good no?)
“Jesus is dead bitches – I killed his ass” (no comment)
“I feel like shit assface” (after throwing up three times)

I’m always surrounded by classy gentlemen. This guy was screaming like a maniac on the top of his lungs AFTER 10 ml of Haldol. It took six big burly security guards to restrain him and even then he almost turned over the stretcher. Being forced to listen to that jackass made me realize how glad I was to be working with nice, normal non-psychotic women with pregnancy concerns.

Hydration is key

Guy comes in on Halloween night with a serum alcohol level of 87, tested positive for amphetamines, benzos and cocaine is staying as a B&B patient. In the morning one of the residents calls a bunch of nurses over and points out party-guy gnawing on his IV tubing while making asinine tranquilized animal-like noises. When he finally wakes up several hours later, he states he feels like he was eating or drinking something salty. The guy managed to gnaw through his tubing and drink the normal saline. At least he was hydrated.

Proposition

An aggressive drunk guy in restraints thrusting his pelvis at all the female staff in his line of vision and screaming, “Suck it baby! Blow me hard!” The doc walks over and tells him, “not gonna happen tonight” before giving him IV diazepam. Good times.