Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Pelvic Exam Fails

I don’t have substantial statistical data to present on this blog post, but I’m fairly certain that pelvic exams don’t top of the 100 most fun things to do lists for most women, however, they end up being necessary for one reason or another. As a female nurse chaperoning male doctors while they perform a pelvic exam, my level of awkwardness has ranged from acceptable to “please let me die now so that I never have to relive this moment again”. Because I’m a glutton for punishment (and this topic was the one being discussed during my last night shift), I decided to recall the three most horrifying pelvic exams I’ve had to witness and post them up for your entertainment!

Pelvic exam fail 1
A woman with 10/10 suprapubic pain is thoroughly nervous, grimacing and probably wishing she could crawl up into a hole somewhere and die. Dr. Hotshot comes in, starts spewing his spiel about the process and proceeds to do a bimanual which makes the patient tear up with pain. Dr. Hotshot says, “Sorry dear, I’ve got huge fingers” FAIL!

Pelvic exam fail 2
A woman with half the colour wheel on her face shows up and loudly announces “My p**** is leaking fishy cottage cheese and my stomach hurts so bad”. Just my luck that Sizzlin’ Samuel was the resident who ended up doing the pelvic exam and I got to be the lucky nurse chaperoning. He gently explained what he was going to do and as far as pelvic exams go, he was very professional. Just when he started doing a bimanual exam, the patient looks at me and asks, “Honey has he ever done this to you and you liked it too?” We both ran out of the room after that declaring that exam to be a FAIL!

Pelvic exam fail 3
A 2 day post partum woman who gave birth at home presented with fevers, chills and crampy lower abdominal pain and intermittent spotting. Retained products of conception was the primary suspect which led her to the gyne stretcher. The husband looked somewhat stoned but at 0200 I don’t exactly look lucid either. The speculum is inside the woman, the doctor is cleaning out some clots and the patient has her eyes closed, probably counting down to the time when her entire ordeal is over when the husband says, “Baby lemme take a picture of this” as he inches towards the doctor with his iPhone. The patient got freaked out, kicked her husband in the face and the gyne tray (with clots and tissue) went flying across the room. FAIL!

19 comments:

HauteSingleMama said...

Bahahahahahaha omg those are *horrifying*!!!!! The things I have to look forward to...

L said...

LOL! Never a dull moment in nursing!

Old MD Girl said...

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (BIG FINGERS???? Well, at least it was the patient/family who made the experience horrifying in 2/3 of the times.)

Grumpy, M.D. said...

A lack of doing pelvic exams was one of the top reasons I ended up where I am now. Hated them.

Rachedy said...

I bet you would have paid good money to see her kick Dr. Big Fingers right in his little tiny Nads. Ha!

Grumpy, M.D. said...

You need a pelvic exam? There's an app for that.

Anonymous said...

Sizzlin’ Samuel is a good looking person?

Anonymous said...

i think # 3 was a win for the woman. hahaha. nothing like residual placental fragments to put a man in his place.

Maha said...

Pelvic exam app is a definite win in my book!

Sizzlin' Samuel is a ridiculously good looking resident who is mortified by his nickname!

And I definetly agree with Anon's (1042) comment! I just feel bad that her husband would actually think to take a freaking picture during a pelvic exam!

Glee said...

Oh,M. Another awesome post:) The things that make you want to tear your hair out make for good blogging...keep it coming:D

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree, #3 was a win for that woman...fail for hubby!

Can I add my personal PE fails?

1.Dr. Socially-Awkward apologizes for causing discomfort during a pelvic because, "my fingers are really short."

2. Following a normal exam, the patient (who insisted on having her 3 bff's with her in the room) asks for the dr's opinion on something...then proceeds to insert her fingers into her vagina, and pull forth a loose skin tag, asking the doc what it is...said fleshy tag hangs about 2 cm from the vagina, and can easily be pushed back in, as she demonstrates with her bff's watching in horror. Dr. says this is just some loose hymen, and if it's causing her no discomfort, best to leave it be, and calmly walks out.

3. 32yo woman brought in by police with foreign body lodged in vagina, believed to be a jar with cocaine. Myself and female police officer present while jar is extracted, patient cuffed to stretcher. Patient using foul language the whole time, very skilled in the use of said language. Female officer obviously uncomfortable being present for entire procedure. Jar is extracted, bagged, and given to officer. Patient then claims jar is not filled with cocaine, rather the cremains of boyfriend.

torontoemerg said...

All I can say, maha, is yikes!!!!

gabbiana said...

I... oh. Oh god. I mean, I've done pelvics on psych patients before, and I've done pelvics on patients who should have been psych patients, but I'm still absolutely sure you win.

(As does Anonymous at 12:08 May 28 above. The cremains of her boyfriend? HA HA HA HA oh god kill me.)

When trying to convince a less-than-eager (usually male) patient to accept a rectal exam, I tell him I have small hands. Perhaps I will not use that line anymore...

Holly said...

One of the more awkward experiences I've had during a PE... The plastic speculum broke and we could not get it to unlock to get it out of this womens vagina. Try acting calm and not letting the patient know what's going on while you and the FNP are trying to remove a WIDE open speculum without hurting the patient. Thank god it was a peds speculum and not a peds patient.

ERP said...

I had a patient suddenly take hold of my fingers as I was about to do a bimanual exam on her and say "it hurts HERE" and shoved my them inside.
My chapparone almost fell on the floor.

@rdjfraser said...

Amazing how awesome it is to be a nurse. Ha. Thanks for sharing!
-rob

Mr. Deaf Carpenter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. Deaf Carpenter said...

I got really queasy after reading your post and the comments especially the one with the loose hymn tissue.

I, for sure do not have the iron stomach to be a doctor.

Jasper said...

It can't really have success, I feel so.
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