A Few Funnies

I foolishly switched around some shifts that look good on paper but have scrambled my brain because of rapid turnovers between nights and days. This has clearly decreased my ability to write a proper blog post (temporarily) but has had no effect on my ability to enjoy nursing (and non-nursing) funnies. In the spirit of sharing, her e are a few that made me chuckle and I hope they do the same for you.

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Tasty Morsels
Due to a labour shortage, three cannibals were hired as orderlies in a busy hospital. During orientation, the director of human resources said, “You’re all part of the team now. You can earn good money here and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don’t trouble any of the other employees.” The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returned and said, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our nurses have disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the director left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “which one of you morons ate the nurse?”

A hand raised reluctantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, “You IDIOT!” For four months we’ve been eating hospital administrators and no one noticed a thing and then you had to go and eat a nurse!”


The Meaning of Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I bring in the money for the family, so call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “As Capitalism screws the working class, the people go ignored by the sleeping government and the future is full of shit”.

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A Simple Prayer
Lord help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

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Epitaph on the tombstone of a hypochondriac
Told you it was real.

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The Doctor’s Funeral
A cardiologist died and his coffin sits in front of a huge heart. When the pastor finished with his sermon and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. What a beautiful way to go.

Just at that moment, one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked, “Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied. “What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m a gynecologist”.

The proctologist next to him fainted.

Goodbye to the Sweetest Furriest Friend

A few days ago my sweet little kitty passed away from complications of pneumonia. He was almost 18 years old and he was loved by me and my family for almost 9 of those years. I’ll miss Kitty’s whiskered face looking up eagerly at me when I cook with meat demanding to have a taste. I’ll also miss him gently following me throughout the backyard when I plant my flowers. When I see birds flying around, I’ll miss kitty chasing them and getting frustrated at not being able to catch them. Kitty will be missed every time I go to the kitchen and see the empty spot where stray kibbles were spread around his food bowl. I’ll miss kitty drinking water from the money plant container because he liked flavor infused water. It will be sad to not see kitty sleeping on his favourite corner of the bed or sneaking into laundry baskets. But most of all, I’ll miss kitty every time I need to smush something furry, warm and loving just because he was furry, warm and loving. RIP little kitty – we were lucky to have such a sweet, loving, friendly and gentle creature in our lives. You are loved a whole lot and now you'll be missed a whole lot ;(

What. The. Fuck?

I felt compelled to write the actual words out because I’m just THAT pissed off. First, the Dutch moron who tried to get a nurse branded incompetent for not providing a happy ending with her visits and now this banner on an English bus of a sexy nurse advertising the route to a hospital.

There are many feminist theories that can much more eloquently dissect this piece of shit ad apart, but I’ll stick to good ol’ fashioned rage. It angers me to no extent when I have to listen to idiotic drivel about how nursing is a ‘sexy’ profession. I sure as hell don’t feel sexy when I’m trying to stick a foley catheter in a 250+ lb violent drunk to get a sample for a urine tox screen. There’s absolutely NOTHING sexy about trying to provide care to people who are too sick to speak for themselves and are terrified of institutions. Sexy is not a variable in question when a nurse has to go to the corner and sob out of utter despair because someone dies unexpectedly. When I was studying my ass off for exams and writing papers like a demon on meth, I most certainly did not think, “Hot damn, all this studying is gonna make me one sexy nurse!” And I highly doubt that (most) patients are thinking, “dayum baby stop talking sexy to me” when I’m asking about the frequency and consistency of their purulent anal discharge. Ads like these do nothing to promote nursing as a profession that has dedicated itself to caring for those who can’t care for themselves and has long been marginalized.

An Educational Post

Self explanatory, really.

Spousal Abuse

A particularly vicious strain of gastro is making its rounds in my ER and most of the staff has taken time off to puke and shit their guts out. Charming, I know. Being one of the only healthy staff members left, I got a call asking if I’d be willing to work two overtime shifts. I readily agreed, not because I LOooOoOove my work, but because student loans are a bitch to pay back. The first shift was a regular run of the mill shift – drug seekers, some legitimately sick people, more drug seekers and a few hypochondriacs. The second shift was pretty much the same except for when a 70 something year old gentleman was brought to the ER. I greatly respect the particular triage nurse who was working that day so when he said that he suspected elder abuse, I was immediately alarmed. Sure enough, the man had multiple bruises in various stages of healing and he had the demeanor of a man humiliated and frightened. I called the social worker to assess the situation and tried to stay by his side in case he wanted to talk. An hour later, his wife arrived and asked if she could have a few moments alone with him. And that’s when I heard swearing that would make a sailor blush. Turns out his wife had caught him watching porn multiple times and this time she used his cane to beat him rather than her bare fists of fury. Most days it’s a privilege to be to able to peek inside other’s lives so closely – other days, I’m just left shaking my head as I head towards my latte.

When the ER Watches the Gold Medal Hockey Game

Working 14 hours sucks mighty hard, especially after 3 day shifts. But what a shift it was, especially when the Canada vs. US game was on. When the US scored 20 seconds before the game was supposed to end, monitors started to show skipped beats. The atmosphere transformed from one of the joy to absolute devastation. That is until Canada scored the winning goal in overtime! The entire department – doctors, nurses, paramedics, patients, security, house-keeping staff and police officers erupted into screaming cheers and broke out singing O Canada. Even Dr. Crusty was all smiles. What a game – it was enough to lift me out of my sleep deprived foul mood for the rest of the shift!