The Ten Grossest Stories... Ever?

Today I realized just how much nursing has desensitized me because I was looking forward to being shaken and revolted to my core by reading these stories. Instead, I just chuckled and shook my head as I was reminded of shifts past. But I hope these manage to offend and sicken you :) And if you have stories that can outgross these, tell me!

10 of the Grossest Stories You'll Ever Read

Documentation Funnies

26 y/o male presenting with approximately 5cm lac to dorsal surface of right hand near thumb from xacto knife approx 2 hours ago while installing carpeting. Moderate bleeding from laceration. Patient unable to flex/extend thumb.

Pain scale – “It feels like my wife sliced my hand open with a hot knife and my girlfriend poured vinegar into it”.

That descriptor conveys an incredible depth of emotion that leaves 10/10 looking rather bland.

Great Moments in WTF-ery

An assumed to be good humoured middle aged woman with cellulitis comes into fast track and has the bad luck to get Dr. Kick ‘Em Out as her doctor just as I was leaving for a much deserved pee break. She was his patient less than 24 hours ago and was joking about how quickly he goes through patients – almost as if he kicks them out. She came back because she lost her prescription for antibiotics. She waits patiently for her turn and expresses her apologies for wasting the staff’s time. She didn’t waste anyone’s time. Stuff happens. Dr. Kick ‘Em Out writes an incomplete prescription and sends her on her merry way. By this time, I had returned from what could be considered one of the best pees of my life to find that the patient is nowhere to be found inside the fast track area but her chart loomed ominously on my desk. The doc tells me he has discharged the patient but will finish the chart later (snort – yeah right). Just then I receive a call from the in hospital pharmacy stating that the prescription was incomplete and the patient was on her way back to the emergency department. Instead of getting her re-registered, I thought I would get the doctor to finish writing her prescription and she could (once again) be on her merry way. Sure enough, I see the patient talking to the triage nurse and I bring her right back while I jokingly said, “I guess the doc kicked you out huh?” What followed was like an unsuspecting slap and left me wondering, ‘W. T. Effin. F’? She went on a 10 minute rant which included the following gems; “You have no right talking to me the way you just did! Is that ‘dark humour’*? Do you think your ‘dark humour’ is funny? Do you think that’s funny? You nurses are so cavalier about your attitudes to life and death, it’s disgusting! You’re a mean woman who deserves nothing less than to have your nursing license taken away and be publically shamed into learning how to speak to CUSTOMERS of the Canadian health care system! How dare YOU assume that the doctor would have kicked ME out? I’m a patient and I have rights which cannot be violated especially by the likes of an uncaring nurse like you! I’m going to be sending a letter of complaint to patient relations about your unseemly behaviour!” I wonder if he also gave her a script for Zyprexa.

*Each time she said dark humour, she used very dramatic finger quoties. I should have won an Oscar for being able to keep a straight face for those 10 minutes.

Flying with Ativan Man

There are times in the year when I am a shit magnet. Shit seems to fly at me from the most random and unexpected encounters. I’ve made peace with this aspect of my karma but there are still days when I have no choice but to shake my head and laugh at my weird luck. I was reminiscing on my shit magnet status with a few folks when I remembered Ativan Man. Ativan Man is someone I was seated beside when I was flying out for my vaykay. He was so normal as to be almost invisible. This is, until the airplane’s ‘fasten your seatbelt’ sign dinged on and the engines started to rev up. That’s when Ativan Man suddenly got extremely anxious and started digging madly through his bag while hyperventilating. I tried to ignore this for as long as I could but it was clear that I would have to intervene. I very reluctantly turned to Ativan Man and asked, “ummm what’s up?” “Need my pills! I NEED MY PILLS WE’RE FLYING!!!!!!!!!!” was his response. Only with my luck could I have been seated next to a man afraid of flying who didn’t pre-medicate. Before I could get another word in he started to wildly gesticulate towards his hands complaining that they were becoming numb and tingly which elicited the unwanted attention of the next row. People thought that I was travelling with him while I tried to avert their gaze and wished that I could sink to the bottom of my seat and stay there forever – or at least until the plane landed. But I put on my nurse face (again reluctantly) and told him to start deep breathing while I found the conspicuous orange container in his bag. I opened the bottle for him and he took half a tablet. I encouraged him to take the other half. He did. Twenty minutes after take-off, he was snoring with his mouth open and turned towards me. I landed six hours later with my hair smelling like old coffee breath.

Independent Practice (From TorontoEmerg)

I was going to write something about nursing practice but (as usual) I got distracted, started reading other blogs when I came across TorontoEmerg's post about independent nursing practice. She has written about the topic far more eloquently than I can manage so I'm just going to provide a link to her extremely thought provoking post. Enjoy!

Back to Work but In Better Spirits

When I wrote my last blog post, I was feeling rather indifferent about my work and nursing in general. The last thing I wanted to think about was work or anything related. Even blogging seemed depressing because I didn’t want to revisit work related stories. All in all, it was high time for a break! Since then, I’ve done a little travelling, got a new cat and have been busy trying to house train her and enrolled myself in some continuing ed courses. I had a serious talk with my boss about moving into other sections of the department to which she reluctantly agreed. Now (as clichéd as it sounds) I’m once again looking forward to work (or at least not dreading it as much) and I have some blog posts brewing which should be posted up within the next couple of days. It's good to be back!

The Workplace Blahs

Lately I haven’t been feeling as engaged with my work as I have been in the past. Each day feels like it blends into the other with the same staff members arguing over petty things and the same patients (literally – the frequent fliers have been flying in a lot more frequently recently) presenting with the same complaints. It’s humbling and frustrating to know that sometimes no matter how above and beyond my duties I go, I’m quickly brought back down to problems that just can’t be solved. It’s tiring arguing with the same floor about patient transfers, it’s tiring to have to turn away the same drug seeker three times in one shift. It’s tiring to have to work harder and faster to maintain patient flow while being left on the back burner by the rest of the department. Perhaps its summer and seeing people enjoying warm evenings while I trek it inside to the windowless department is getting to me more than I thought but things are definitely feeling – stagnant. I don’t know if I need a new challenge, more responsibilities or another job. I suppose for now I have to get dressed, go to work and give viciously dirty looks to the resident who complained to my charge nurse that I need to “smile more”.

This post is most certainly a downer so I’ll leave a link to Hyperbole and a Half. This site has been providing me with life sustaining laughs during night shifts!